Prepare for Pushback

Now, will there be pushback when it comes to boundaries? Naturally, Fay says, and that’s to be expected.

“They’re going to test the limits no matter what we do,” he said. “That’s their job. Regardless of how sweet you are about setting the limits, they’re going to test. We know that kids will test and fight the very limits they need the most.”

The tough part is enforcing the limits, but parents can successfully do this by not arguing with their kids. Consistency and calmness are key, both Infeld and Fay says, and kids need to know that yes means yes and no means no and that “when I say ‘no,’ that’s not an invitation to a negotiation session,” Fay adds.

One thing parents need to realize is that there is an “I will” message and a “You will” message from which they can choose. The latter is the old-school “you will do what I tell you to do, and when I tell you to do it” message, he said, while the former is a more subtle approach that may be paraphrased by “Here’s what I will allow.”

After all, telling a child, “You will do this” is akin to picking a fight. On the other hand, when you tell a child what you’ll allow and accept – and that you’ll be glad to hear him out when his voice is calm and rational, like yours – it gives him extra time to think about how he can react and lessens the likelihood that he’ll go into fighting mode.

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