Full Circle   

For whatever reason, it was written in the stars for me to not have a father or grandfather in my life as a child. I can definitely say that their absence had an effect on me. I’m not completely sure that if they were present, I would be different. But a part of me deep down believes I would. 

Growing up, I did things independently: tough and shielded to a degree. I question someone’s intention and am slow to believe someone’s commitment. Looking back, I did have some male figures in my life, but they were occasional and while there were good intentions, their presence was limited. I can look back today and recognize that probably most of my independence came from instinct, rather than personality.
Children need to see and feel the love from both parents. For a daughter, her father shields her, protects her so her walls don’t build up so high. This allows her mother to teach, to strengthen her daughter towards independence.
A mother’s role and a father’s role, I believe, are equally important. A mother brings love and compassion to her sons, while teaching her daughter to become strong. A father sets the lead with his sons with identity, while with his daughters, he protects and models what to look for in a man. If one is missing or the parent misses the mark, the child will compensate what they need to survive. I’m not an expert by any means; I just observe and have reflected through the years in my own life.

From the first moment I held my son in my arms, I was committed to do and be everything I could for him. I would love him to death, and then love him some more. I desired to be the parent that my children could count on, turn to and talk with no matter what. After my second son was born, my comment was God may have not blessed me with men growing up, but I have been blessed by two forever. 

With the birth of my daughter, it all came full circle as I now watch her with my husband and witness what I missed as a little girl. While I’m the one who is supposed to teach them, they have taught me so much, and honestly helped heal some of my losses.

It’s sure funny how life works out. I hope my children can recognize that even though sometimes I missed the mark, I’ve loved them with all that I am. 

I will always be a CONSTANT in their lives, even though it might drive them crazy. I hope they know my desire to model for them how to love. And I hope they know how lucky I am to call them my children. I think they do, but I will continue to tell them and show them for the rest of my life.