Eradicating Entitlement

When it comes to de-escalating a child’s false sense of entitlement, Deerwester says to keep in mind that it doesn’t happen by accident. And if your child has anger or violence issues, Keefe notes, check first with a local healthcare professional before setting any kinds of new restrictions.

That said, Deerwester, Keefe and Petersen say there are ways to start guiding your child down a more fulfilling, less self-centered, path. A few of their tips include the following:

Don’t pretend children are successful by virtue of existence. Deerwester recommends cutting out the empty praise and hollow self-esteem building so prevalent in society today (think, for example, of the youth sports teams that give trophies just for participating.) Instead, honor your child’s strengths and help them learn about and understand their less-than-perfect assets.

“A child isn’t special because he’s perfect,” she says. “A child is special because we appreciate who he is as an individual, one with strengths and weaknesses. If we keep pretending everyone is smart, talented, over-achieving and successful by virtue of existence, then it’s going to be a self-sabotaging, self-defeating world.”

Teach them to work for what they want. Children don’t need praise or bubble-wrapped lives; they want to be masterful and competent, Deerwester says. “As children engage in meaningful and challenging activities, they want more!”
Stop being a “fixer.” Your job as a parent isn’t to fix everything that goes wrong in your child’s life, Deerwester says. It’s to create the structure that supports the skills he needs to learn and grow, a process called “scaffolding.” The idea is that you, the parent, will gradually cease adding to that structure and allow your child to take on more responsibility.
Explain that privileges are earned. “Remember how wonderful the joy of anticipation is?” Petersen asks. Let your child experience that as well by not giving them everything they desire. “Let them want, let them anticipate and let them work toward achievement.”

That means children are responsible for tasks such as household chores and completing homework, but they do not automatically get an allowance. Rather, allow them to earn a monetary reward or other privilege by doing chores or other tasks.

Keefe says it can be difficult to follow through with this—what parent doesn’t want to give their child everything?—“but you’re teaching them self-control and that will spill over into other parts of their life.”

Be consistent. Speaking of self-control, if parents don’t teach children proper self-discipline, Petersen says, the world will do it for them.
“We have prisons and jails full of people who were not able to discipline their behavior in times of high emotions or took things from others and felt very justified,” says Petersen. “Think of all the laws on the books. What are they designed to do? Alter human behavior from being too overindulgent.”

Effectively handle temper tantrums. It’s hard to do, but as long as the youngster isn’t hurt, in danger or being abused in any way, calmly and firmly ignore a child who’s yowling and, if need be, remove them from the situation.

“Children have the right to their emotions, but I won’t tolerate a temper tantrum at the dinner table,” Petersen adds. “They can have a temper tantrum, but it will be in their room.”

Which brings up another point: never threaten to take away a child’s food, as that’s a basic need that should not be used as a negotiation tool.

Be clear about rules and expectations. Let children know what age-appropriate chores they’re expected to do, and what the household rules are, such as choosing which one electronic device (TV, smartphone, video game)—yes, one—that they’d like to use that evening after they’ve completed their homework. After all, electronic devices are a privilege, and a privilege is earned, right?

“Kids feel safer when there is an adult in charge and when you set limits calmly, effectively and reasonably,” Keefe adds. “Kids don’t like to mention it to parents, but they appreciate rules.”

MASK the Parenting Magazine a quarterly publication providing solutions for Today’s Families.

The parenting manual offering solutions to the modern-day challenges families face. From Pre-K

through College stay up to date on the modern day issues families face.

Are you up to date on the issues your child is facing?

MASK Mothers Awareness on School-age Kids offers parenting solutions for today’s families. MASK tackles important topics – from drugs and alcohol to bullying and Internet safety -and gives students, parents and the community the knowledge and tools to manage these potential challenges.