Letting Go: Learning to Redefine Family Time

Any parent who has experienced the emotional rollercoaster of transitioning a child from the nest to college can attest to the mix of relief, pain and fear. When children are born, many parents think about starting a college fund to prepare for the financial demands. However, parents rarely think about what the transition to college will mean for a child—or themselves—emotionally, or how to help children handle the challenges they will face when they leave home. It is a pivotal step from childhood to adulthood—one that changes the role of the parent and the dynamic of the family unit.

Parents spend the better part of 18 years investing love, compassion, educational support, money and time in their children with few tangible rewards. Kids are inherently selfish and it’s up to parents to teach them reciprocity, how to manage and foster interpersonal relationships, and how life in general works. When children are young they are more apt to come to a parent for help, love and encouragement, which allows parents to feel appreciated, useful and validated as they provide necessary support and guidance.

As kids grow up and become more independent, the role of the parent becomes more ambiguous. It’s important to remember that a parent’s job is to teach children lessons they can use to successfully navigate independence.

There is often a battle that occurs when children assert their need for independence, and parents are hesitant to trust their readiness to move on without continual oversight. It is akin to letting go of the bike, when children are learning to balance on their own. It is a harrowing experience for both parties, but, at some point, parents must have faith and give children the opportunity to manage their own lives in order to gain the life skills to succeed.

The key at this stage is finding the balance between parenting enough and too much. Parents of college-age kids must learn to accept their child’s decisions and choices, and provide support, guidance and reassurance when needed. It’s that fine line between being too readily available and too detached.

Family time becomes fleeting. Time together is largely limited to phone calls, texts, Skype, family weekends and school breaks. As such, parents must utilize these moments to connect, observe and listen, in order to determine how well children are transitioning. They will move to college with the moral compass and values provided, the trick is letting go and trusting they will follow it.

By // Dr. Lisa Strohman

Tips for Parenting a College Student

Move from expectations to acceptance

Discuss trust and empower them to make decisions

Balance offering guidance and advice with encouraging self-sufficiency and independence

Prepare for interpersonal challenges during the transition to adulthood

Don’t bring up homesickness, missing them or struggles with empty nesting

Stay connected even when they don’t reciprocate

Text, send letters and care packages, call, Skype, email and visit

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