Being There

With all the turmoil that can result from the emergence of peer pressure in your child’s life, it’s more important now than ever for parents to be there for their kid—even if they aren’t the first ones the child turns to.

By the time kids get to middle school, peer relationships are their No. 1 priority, Shure says, and children who succumb to peer pressure often are those same youngsters who weren’t able to form friendships, the kinds that are constructive and rewarding, when they were younger.
Seltzer says parents need to accept that they’re going to be second fiddle to their kid’s friends awhile; it’s normal, but it doesn’t mean parents lose their parental role.

“An important function of parents is to reduce kids’ internal pressure,” she says. “They’re comparing themselves to so many kids that they feel like a loser every day, so support them and reassure them. Patience is the name of the game; patience, love and understanding.”

Of course, if a child is unhappy most of the time, a meeting with a counselor or therapist is in order, she says. Similarly, if your child’s grades begin to slip, talk with teachers about the atmosphere in the classroom and ask if there are one or more positive aspects about your student that the teacher can stress out loud.

Marion Lindblad-Goldberg, Ph.D., clinical professor of psychology in the Department of Psychiatry at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine and director of the Philadelphia Child and Family Therapy Training Center Inc., notes that the less a child has going for them family wise, the more important a peer group will be.

So make it a point to be an interested and engaged parent, she said, and ask questions that probe your child’s feelings such as:

Tell me today what happened that you felt good about?

What went well today and what didn’t?

How do you feel about the way you handled things (with your friend, the math teacher, etc.)?

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